Pope Benedict XVI On Gay Love And The Rainforests

September 10, 2010

Pope John Paul II had something about him. True, some of his principles were objectionable, but he had a sweet old face that made him look like everyone’s favourite uncle. The one and only time I actually saw him in the flesh, I felt the urge to throw Werther’s Originals as a gesture of goodwill.

Pope Benedict XVI is a different animal entirely. He has the kind of wizened, gargoyle features that seem somehow inappropriate for the face of God’s representative on Earth. If the Almighty really did have a hand in the selection process, he clearly needs to brush up on his PR skills.

What’s more, Benedict’s choice of name when elected to the papacy suggests a criminal lack of imagination. There have been fifteen Benedicts before this one, for God’s sake. Why not choose something new? Like Keanu. Or possibly even Sigourney.

But this dearth of creative thinking does not end there. His theology is so regressive it’s practically medieval. Benedict is the kind of man who when suffering from a cold or a mild chest infection probably applies leeches in strategic locations.

Benedict’s antediluvian thinking has never been more clearly evinced than in his recent statement that saving humankind from homosexuality is just as important as saving the rainforests. He opposes the concept of the blurring of gender boundaries, maintaining that ‘the Church speaks of human nature as man or woman and asks that this order is respected’. Needless to say, this all seems rather contradictory from a man sporting a billowing frock and leather Prada shoes.

The high camp of the Vatican aside, let’s consider the ramifications of the Pope’s latest rant. It’s a peculiar analogy to make, isn’t it? The destruction of the rainforests has a direct impact on global warming and the melting of the polar icecaps. As far as I’m aware, there are very few recorded instances of gay sex leading to the death of polar bears. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that if your sexual practices are endangering polar bears in any way, you’re probably doing something wrong.

Benedict seems obsessed with this idea of the “blurring of gender”, but this betrays a fundamental lack of understanding about sexual orientation. Gay people are attracted to people of their own sex, a concept which has absolutely nothing to do with gender ambiguity. As a gay man, I’m unlikely to be attracted to a man who resembles a woman. The clue is in the word ‘homosexual’, meaning attraction to the same sex. Perhaps Benedict needs to brush up on his Greek and Latin compounds.

Coming from an institution that is rife with paedophilia, not to mention its history of covering up such allegations rather than seeking to solve the problem, I find it all a bit rich to hear the Vatican’s representatives sermonising on the evils of gay love. Moreover, it strikes me as an ill-advised statement from a man who is trying desperately to distance himself from his past in the Hitler Youth. I can’t wait for Benedict’s speech next Christmas, in which he’ll no doubt be suggesting that Jewish historians have the habit of shifting their decimal points.

I would suggest that Benedict and his bunch of befrocked and bejewelled old cronies go back to doing what they do best. I’m not sure what that might be exactly, but it probably involves shopping for expensive shoes.

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